Foolish Questions

I’m convinced that I’ve taken the first steps along the path to becoming a full fledged cyborg. I haven’t actually had anything of an electro-mechanical nature implanted inside my body yet, but I’ve started dancing to the tune set by my electronic devices and I’m convinced that it’s only a matter of time before my bones are replaced with titanium rods, and I’ll trade in my legs for a set of treads, like a small tank. Which you have to admit, would be pretty cool. There would be a lot less slipping around on ice for one thing. Probably a fewer little yappy dogs running around, too. “Oh, dear, was that your dog I just ran over? I’m so sorry!”

Right now I’m wearing a FitBit, which controls how much exercise I get. So far it’s only used encouraging messages on my iPhone and such, to get me to finish out the ten thousand step goal per day. But, I can already see the slippery path we’re all on, when the devices that we think we control now, will soon control us. Encouragement and motivational messaging is all very well to get people to engage in beneficial behavior but let’s face it, it’s fear and the especially the fear of punishment, that really keeps your nose to the grindstone.

Continue reading →

So here I am perched in front of my computer (in case you were wondering how I write this blog, I use one of those new-fangled Electronic Analytical Engines), which is located, most inconveniently, on the dining room table. Since the great Septic Tank Eruption of 2013, I’ve been relegated to this location due to the fact that the room I used as my office was inopportunely located adjacent to the bathroom from which emanated most of the sewage. So I had to get out of Craptown, and thus landed here in the dining room.

Now that I’m bereft of a place to call my own, I, or I should say we, have been pondering alternatives to the current setup here in the Waring household. Apparently someone, perhaps a wife, or a boon companion, something in that line anyway, has decided that there might be benefits to converting my office/man cave downstairs back into a guest room and relocating the husband type members of the family upstairs where there is a lot less chance for husband type persons to get up to any mischief. There’s the added benefit, from the wifely viewpoint in any case, that there will be a whole lot less yelling down staircases and such.

Continue reading →

I had this whole post written up about the ongoing reconstruction of our lower ground floor, as opposed to our upper ground floor, which is distinct from the other floors like the Observatory Floor with the attached Zeppelin dock. OK, we don’t have an Observatory Floor, nor a Zeppelin dock, but that’s just because of the HOA and their silly restrictions. And the fact that no one is really flying Zeppelins around anymore.

Anyway, as I said, I had a whole post written, but decided to leave it for another day, because this morning Mary and I had this conversation via iMessage.

Yes, yes, I know, or do now, that Alexander Graham Bell’s actual line was “Mr. Watson. Where are you? I need you.” Details, details. These are the types of conversations that we have, sometimes even face to face, in person. I’m not sure at what point in our relation Mary assumed the mantle of the sober, reliable, and mature one, in our relationship, but I think it was somewhere around 17 femtoseconds into our first date. Lucky for me, since based on current results and extrapolating into a timeline where I did not meet Mary, I would most likely have been living under the I-25 underpass. After having blown all of my 401(k) funds on a public offering for a Zeppelin airline.

Seriously, does anyone know how to use Roman numerals? I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that people just string together a bunch of X’s, I’s, and V’s, throwing in an occasional C or M to keep everything fluid.

So they’ve been having this Superbowl thing now for close to 50 years and the sad thing, the truly really sad thing is, that I’ve been alive for every single one of them. I think I’ll just go and drink a bottle of gin, straight, to drown out knowledge. Gin – it’s what adults do instead of sticking their fingers in their ears and chanting, “Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah, I can’t hear you!”

Continue reading →

I’m just a traveling man, doing the best I can, dum de dum de dum, dum dum. We’re on the road, down here in the Central Floridian swamps, sussing out tidbits of information for Mary’s readers at mousesavers.com. We’ve had a few good meals, we’ve had a few not-so-good meals, and I’ll have some comments on that subject soon. But in the meantime, while we’re at the Happiest Place on Earth, which I always thought might be located somewhere different than Central Florida, but what do I know, I am finding it a little problematic keeping up with posts. I will have something, hopefully humorous, for Monday next, even if I have to break out the story about the time I played high school football, which is a tale of silliness piled on catastrophe, with an extra helping of vainglorious incompetence applied like a mountain of whipped cream on top. Hopefully we won’t have to do that since I’m trying to reserve that particular tale for really dire circumstances.

So to tide you over I’m really going to scrape the bottom of the barrel and present this link to a video of puppies. Nah, I lied, no puppies. This isn’t Oprah, I don’t do cute. I would have included a video of tiger cubs instead. But only because they’re maneaters that would tear your throat out in a flash. TIGERS!! But sadly, WordPress doesn’t seem to play well with iOS, so you just have to go to YouTube yourself and search for ‘tiger cubs’.

So it’s come to my attention that Valentine’s Day is rolling around again this year. Like it does every year, curse the Mayans for inventing calendars. I think everyone was better off when holidays and birthdays were a surprise.

“What, it’s my birthday again? Didn’t I just have one a lot of days ago? Oh, you guys! So what is it, I’m like three now? Oh, wait, didn’t dear old Dad die when he was three? Course it was because a sabertooth took off his head, but still.”

I’m going to do what I always do. I’m going to ignore the hubbub and I will not buy any chocolate, flowers, diamonds, or insanely expensive dinners. The money I save will be used to purchase shares in a mutual fund, which coincidentally holds positions in companies that supply chocolate, flowers and diamonds. What can I say, I’m a true romantic. And nothing says ‘I love you’ like a good return on equity.

Continue reading →

We had to undertake an expedition recently to replace our mattress that had, over time and the stress of supporting a couple of large boned people with a fondness for salted caramel sauce, sagged a bit. Actually it sagged quite a lot, and there was a full time impression in the mattress corresponding to both of our bodies. Mine was the one curled to the right and Mary’s was the one where it looked like someone was making a snow angel.

We repaired to the mattress store where we had originally purchased the now saggy mattress, because we’re creatures of habit, even when the habit is something we only repeat every ten years. One observation: if you want to go mattress shopping, the period around mid-January means you won’t have any competition for the salesman’s attention. I guess, what with the credit card bills from the holidays popping up in everyone’s mailboxes, that people aren’t thinking much about mattresses. This turned out to be fortuitous for us, since our salesman was an unreconstructed hippy. Considering he was thirtyish this is especially impressive because most of the original hippies have now been placed in old age homes or they’re CEO’s of major multi-nationals.

Continue reading →

In this case, last thoughts are not a reference to my feelings about life after death, nor morbid consideration of my own mortality. Which isn’t actually going to be all that soon, since I fully intend on living, if not forever, at least until we have real actual flying cars and colonies on the Moon, like I was promised when I was a kid. Last thoughts in the current post are of London and our time there.

I was going through my PhotoStream, which for you non-Apple owning people is the term they use for the record of all pictures you’ve ever taken while you owned an Apple product. Photos that Apple no doubt collating in some ultra-secure underground facility in Wyoming. Someday, as you’re getting ready to interview for that job with the Fortune 500 company of your dreams you’ll get an AppleGram. Said AppleGram will ask you to agree to forking over 10% of your earnings, in perpetuity, in order to prevent the quite accidental release of that picture of you wearing a beer hat and urinating on the statue of the college founder during Homecoming Week hijinks, years and years ago. What, you thought Apple was making all that money off of iPhones?

Continue reading →

A week ago we arrived home from London. Approximately a week, because one should never let specifics get in the way of a good story. Or even a so-so story. Since we got home I’ve learned a number of new things, at a pace that almost equals one new thing per day. This is way above my average and if doesn’t stop soon I may be in danger of an information overload melt-down.

Things I learned while home from my autumn vacation:

One. When a toilet doesn’t flush correctly and a good stiff plunging doesn’t correct the problem, don’t keep flushing the toilet. And just for safety’s sake, don’t take really long hot showers and run the washing machine. Or wash dishes either. As a matter of fact what I learned is that immediately ceasing all usage of water in all shapes and forms is the proper way to address a situation where the water is not draining.

Continue reading →

We, unfortunately, had to go to a restaurant last night, because we were run out of our house due to a situation we now refer to as the Great Septic Tank Eruption of 2013. I’ll soon have an entire post dedicated to this subject because sewage partially flooding the ground floor of one’s house is an endless source of mirth and hilarity. I will point out though, that the situation wasn’t my fault, so even in the smelliest, most disgusting disaster that can affect the average American today, I have my own little personal little ray of sunshine.

Anyway, so we went to our first average chain restaurant since we got back to the States, mainly because we needed sustenance. Here in Colorado Springs, if you want to eat out, chances are approximately 75-1 that it will be either a chain restaurant or fast food. By the way, the chain wasn’t Applebee’s despite the post title, but something close enough that you’d be well within your comfort zone if you were a dedicated Applebee’s fan. Which would be sad on a number of different levels, but far be it from me to judge.

Continue reading →