Valentine’s Day

So it’s come to my attention that Valentine’s Day is rolling around again this year. Like it does every year, curse the Mayans for inventing calendars. I think everyone was better off when holidays and birthdays were a surprise.

“What, it’s my birthday again? Didn’t I just have one a lot of days ago? Oh, you guys! So what is it, I’m like three now? Oh, wait, didn’t dear old Dad die when he was three? Course it was because a sabertooth took off his head, but still.”

I’m going to do what I always do. I’m going to ignore the hubbub and I will not buy any chocolate, flowers, diamonds, or insanely expensive dinners. The money I save will be used to purchase shares in a mutual fund, which coincidentally holds positions in companies that supply chocolate, flowers and diamonds. What can I say, I’m a true romantic. And nothing says ‘I love you’ like a good return on equity.

Fortunately I married a woman who shares my love of not spending money wildly on silly made up fake holidays. I’m looking at you St. Patrick’s Day! I also did a cost benefit analysis on giving a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day. For what you spend on the Big V, where they inflate the cost by a factor of four or five, you can purchase a dozen roses several times a year to give to your loved one, entirely unexpectedly, which is even more romantic. That the giving of said roses happens to very slightly predate the credit card bill with the charge for the new Alienware gaming laptop, is entirely coincidental I’m sure.

Can’t get reservations on the Day for the two of you, even at the inflated rates they’re charging? No problemo, we go the following week, no issues with reservations and the Coquilles St. Jacques is half the price it was a week earlier. Diamonds? Pfftt! Get her a backpacking tent with poles made from carbon-fiber. It’s the same element, just in a slightly different form. And a diamond necklace is not going to protect you from a Force 5 blizzard, now is it! The fact that your wife has never been on a backpacking trip in her life, nor is she ever likely going to do so, is entirely beside the point. Which is that your tent has old fashioned aluminum poles, not high tech, mondo-cool carbon fiber ones.

So take my advice and drop all the running around buying gifts and cards and making reservations at a place that doesn’t even serve wings, and be free! Express your love in unconventional ways and see how the relationship prospers! And if it doesn’t, well you always have the tent (with carbon fiber poles!) to sleep in when you’ve been thrown out of the house.


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