Canned Christmas Cheer

You didn’t think I was just going to devote only one post to the concept of One-Pot-Meals did you? Heavens, no! Oh, dear, I’ve been in England too long! I’m starting to sound like one of those poncy fellows who hang out at the local, kitted out in tweeds with leather patches on the elbows, nursing a pint of cider and remarking on how the weather is very unusual this year. “There has been, according to the weather chappies, at least one point three millimeters more rain so far this year than the average”. Oh, dear God, it’s all too late, I’m using, no, worse, I’m thinking in the metric system! I’ll never be able to go back home! To the good ol’ US of A where the systems of measurement are still resolutely illogical and silly.

Oh, well. As I was saying, I have more informations on one pot meals. Not content with ginning up one pot meals that are much, much better than what KFC offers, British ingenuity has decided to go one further. Welcome to the Hot Can Christmas Dinner!

This radical technological culinary advance consists of can filled to the brim with turkey casserole, winter veg, chipolatas, stuffing balls and cranberry jelly. What the hell is a stuffing ball? And since the image on the outside of the can is a Brussels sprout, we can make a pretty accurate prediction for what the winter veg is, can’t we? You know what happens when you take a container, put in Brussels sprouts, seal it and then heat it? Everything will taste like Brussels sprouts. This has got to be the best Christmas dinner ever! Plus chipolatas = sausage. Is there nothing a Brit won’t put a sausage in? Well, that came out somewhat dirtier than I intended.

But wait there’s more! Up to this point, I can possibly, if I stretch way, way out over into the left field bleachers, make a case for this product. Like for people that are in the midst of a Walking Dead marathon over the holidays, (and what doesn’t convey the Christmas cheer like a zombie marathon) who don’t want to be bothered with putting together a meal on a plate with utensils and such. And haven’t we all been there, at one point or another in our lives? But why, in the name of all that is holy, did they decide to make this product in a self heating can? Did they identify a market segment that’s made up of people who are planning on surviving an apocalyptic alien invasion and want to have a holiday meal while they’re cowering in their DoomBunker? I mean, as anyone who has watched a few minutes of Doomsday Preppers can attest, there definitely is a niche market of people like that. It’s just that they seem to be located over in the US for the most part, and the Christmas Cheer Can O’ Crap (with extra Brussels sprouts) is sold over here in the UK.

Finally, and this would definitely be the death knell in the US, putting the Brussels sprout on the outside of the can would guarantee that no one in the entire country, even including the Preppers would bother to buy it. And really, who would blame them? If it’s a choice between horrible, lingering death or eating Brussels sprouts and stuffing balls from a can, well, I know what I’m going to pick.


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