Foolish Questions

Oooh, Shiny!

2010-02-02T20:22:45Z

Okay I've now had a chance to see the iPad (which, by the way, is not the name I was expecting at all - though I like it) on-line and I have to say, for the first time I'm going to get one and be one of those early adopters. You know the ones - they have scorch marks surrounding their pockets where thick wads of cash have spontaneously combusted. I am drawing the line at camping out or pretty much lining up at all. I'll put in my order on-line and go pick it up at my leisure when it arrives.

After spending a significant amount of time reading all the comments about it and thereby avoiding doing any actual work, as Mary is quick (too quick) to point out, I've come to a couple of conclusions

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One, people are silly. This didn't come about all because of the iPad, but it helps to reiterate it frequently. Then you'll be less surprised when people do or say something silly. Like now. I remember when the iPhone came out, every one was all 'it'll be a failure, an epic disaster like New Coke' and all that. They were wrong. So very, very wrong. So wrong that it's actually something of a mystery for me that they have decided not to move out to some rural commune out in the middle of Nebraska far from the nearest wifi hotspot and taken up vows of technological abstinence. But as usual, there they are pontificating again, regardless of their inability to accurately forcast what they'll be having for dinner, much less predicting the success or failure of a consumer electronic device.

Second, now that I've seen the iPad, I like what I see. See?

Right now when I travel I carry the following:

Laptop 97 ounces

Laptop power supply 13 ounces

iPhone 5 ounces

Sony eReader 12 ounces

Notepad and pen 13 ounces

Digital camera 5 ounces

Yes, I weighed it all. I'm an engineer. I'll always be an engineer. And we weigh, measure, survey, analyze, poke, prod, and shake things. It's what we do.

So when I'm schlepping my way through an airport, like last week when my flight from Orlando got into Denver 40 minutes late and I had to jog, walk, stumble and crawl to the connecting flight 40 gates away, I was carrying along with the normal clothes, toiletries, Magic Kingdom snow globes, and such, a little over nine pounds of electronic miscellanea.

In my slightly fantastical but wonderfully peaceful world where I have an iPad, I can replace the laptop, the eReader, notebook, and in cases where I don't anticipate a great need for flash photography, the digital camera. This is a total of 8 ¾ pounds. Since the iPad weighs 1.5 pounds, I'm up 7 ¼ pounds. My spine will thank me and I'll have more capacity for snow globes. This also means I'm carrying 2 fewer power cables, and hopefully three if the iPad and iPhone power supply are interchangeable. Count me in, baby.

As to the objections to the device, well with only a couple of exceptions they seem to break down to minor quibbles, most of which don't impact me much. These objections include but are not limited to:

The bezel (or button to non-Apple initiates) is too big. News flash - here's only one button - who cares? Unless it's the size of a Buick hubcap I don't imagine it will have a significant impact.

The iPad has no cameras. I've seen this repeated a number of times elsewhere and as far as I'm concerned it's a largely baseless complaint. I'm not going to pull an iPad out to take a picture - I already have the iPhone or a digital camera for that and they're considerably smaller and easier to manage for that task. As far as videoconferencing - as Emerson Cod would say - oh, hell, no! . I personally have no desire now or in the foreseeable future to videoconference. We have a two person company and we are married to each other. I think we see quite enough of each other that video conferencing is not something we really need. And I certainly don't want to videoconference with other people since then I'd have to get out of my bathrobe and do something about the six day stubble. So no camera is actually a thumbs up in my case.

The iPad cannot multitask. This objection is one I can understand. I too want to listen to music, while reading a book, checking out lolcats, and grinding out air guitar riffs in Rock Godz! The ArenaRock Age! Game! But, as I understand it, I can multitask with Apple software components. This sounds like it deals with 90 percent of the issue right there.

It has a touch keyboard. Fine by me. And if I need a physical keyboard I can always get either the Apple dock or a Bluetooth portable keyboard. In this way I can avoid the frustration that comes about when I use ridiculously small keyboards like on Mary's Blackberry.

There is no HDMI output. Umm, newsflash. I'm not buying a tablet or a laptop to play movies on my TV - either at home or away. At home, I already have devices that do that very nicely, thanks. And they'd be jealous if I brought in something to do that task instead of them. It's important to keep one's electronic components happy and on your side - have you seen what happens in "Terminator"? On the road I've never streamed a movie to the TV in a hotel - ever. And even if I wanted to - that's just another cable to carry. Again, no thanks.

The name sounds like a feminine sanitary product. What - are you six years old? Sheesh!

No widescreen for viewing movies. Oh, My, Gawd. Call the movie police. If I want to watch a movie in comfort and in the wide screen format that the moviemaker intended, I'll do it in a theatre or at home. With popcorn. If I want to watch a few minutes of "Big Bang Theory" while waiting for my plane to board or to kill some time in the doctor's office, I'll now have a nice little device to do that. And the screen fits the function that I'll be using it for most - which is reading.

The iPad doesn't support Flash. Yup, this seems on the surface to be an issue. Except iPhones and iPod Touches don't play Flash either. And people seem to like them just fine for browsing the web. I'm going to assume this isn't a real game breaker.

A closed App system. Yes, please, thank you very much. And so far it seems like most people have been pretty happy with the App store - because you know, people seem to have an aversion to frauds, viruses, Trojans, and keyloggers. As far as I'm concerned - keep it closed. I never want to have to go through the pain and agony that I've had several times with trying to clean an infected PC.

All it all what I see is what I like.

I want to read books. I like ePub mainly because I like to know I own a book. And if I bought it once I can take it with me anywhere across platforms. I can't do that with the Kindle where all the books are proprietary DRM. Especially if the owner of that store can decided one day to take back a book I've bought. Not cool.

Oh, and while I like the e-ink screens - they suck for showing illustrations and maps and drawings that I kind of depend, on especially for histories.

I can use it to check emails and read them and type a reply in comfort. I like my iPhone but as I get up there in age, the smaller text is a bit of a pain to use. Something hardback book size for a display is great.

If I want to use it for making a call I can use a Bluetooth headset and use Skype. Great.

For general surfing the web the iPad is better for me for just the same reason that it's better than the iPhone for email - bigger display for the win. And when I'm sitting in a airport lounge where it used to take me three to five minutes to take the laptop out of it's bag, turn it on and wait for it to boot, then find a wifi signal, on my iPad I'll be happily surfing the web while humming the title track from Rock Godz!

Apple Antics

2010-01-27T16:25:02Z

I just had a thought. A couple of months ago Mary and I both converted to Apple folk. You know the ones with the black mock turtlenecks and cool retro dark rimmed glasses that are always waving their iPhones around and so on. Well, we're not quite like that, though I have to admit since we dropped the Microsoft Network stuff we haven't had a single issue with the Apple equivalent so now I might think about spending a few mornings a week at the local Starbucks preaching the word according to Steve Jobs.

But really, we're not those people. Yet.

Anyway, back to my thought. Tomorrow is the big day, I-Day if I might be so bold as to suggest a marketing catch phrase, for the release of the Apple tablet computing device thingy. Or is it? See, Apple hasn't actually said they're going to release a tablet - they've just said that there's an exciting product launch tomorrow. What if it isn't a tablet?

Think about it - maybe it's a something else entirely. Like they're going to build iPods into all GM cars (which would make them like 120% better than they are today), or maybe they're going to release iJacks which are Apple branded personal jetpacks. Or iFlars - Apple Flying Cars! The future is here! And it comes it a lower case I in front of it! And an exclamation mark at the end!

I really wish they would release something different - just to screw with people's minds. No wait, I'm an Apple person now and I must have my next Apple fix so it better be an iTablet or iSlate or something like that or I will lose all faith in my technological messiah.

If you're looking for me next week I'll be in line at the Apple store for the iSlate. And yes, I know it won't be released till October. But I must have it! My precious!

Anchovial Alchemy

2010-01-18T15:12:45Z

I have a new addiction. The new addiction joins the panoply of other food related addictions such as the fried pork products, fried potato products, beer, fruit cake (that's another story - for later), smoked meat products of all kinds, and on occasion, po'boys. Though the latter is only applicable only while in New Orleans.

My new addiction, though takes me even farther afield than the po'boys. For this one I have to go to England. On our last trip I encountered something called Anchovial Alchemy while browsing food items in Fortnum and Mason. Don't you just like the sound of that - Fortnum and Mason's? You could package corrugated cardboard in some sort of cream sauce and put it in a tin - not a can, and I would eagerly devour it, if it carried the Fortnum and Mason logo.

In this particular case I came across a little ceramic container or pot, with the description Anchovial Alchemy, An Armada of Superior Anchovy. See this is why I love the Brits. First, they have an anchovy and butter spread, which for someone who loves anchovies is bliss. Second, they use product descriptions with words like 'Armada'. In America, we count ourselves lucky if they use the term 'yummy' and spell it right.

Anyhow, I bought this stuff because it sounded intriguing and I try and do something intriguing at least once a week. It's the kind of guy I am. After we arrived home it sat in the pantry for four or five months, mainly because I kind of forgot it and also because I really didn't have any idea what to do with it. Possibly also because my try something intriguing phase petered out around the holidays. Then I ran across a reference to some anchovy butter and how it was nice spread on good rustic toast. So I pulled the ceramic pot out, made some toast, and sampled it.

Nirvana.

Now I realize this isn't for everyone. If you don't like anchovies or things with a piscatorial tang, you'll hate this. If you don't like salt, you'll hate this. But if a blend of fish, salt, butter, and pepper appeals to you then man, is this a taste treat. Personally, if you spread this on wood chippings I'd probably eat it.

A little search revealed that this product can also be found under the name, Patum Peperium, a Gentleman's Relish. Which is convenient as I thought I would have to keep going back to London every six weeks or so as I ran out of Anchovial Alchemy. Much as I like going to London, the recent habits of strip searching international travelers seems a little over the top and somewhat inconvenient. So I'll restrict myself for now to sampling Patum Peperium and see how that compares. Besides, who wouldn't love a Gentleman's Relish?

Early Birds, Worms, You Know The Parable

2010-01-11T22:59:54Z

Via the New York Times this weekend and picked up by Gawker (We Really Like Celebrities!), we have an article regarding the proliferation of 'young' people who are going out to dinner early in order to take advantage of the special deals and lower prices. There being this Great Recesion on and all. Who knew? I really need to catch up on current events. Apparently we also have an African American president.

It's pretty much of a piece with people going out to dinner and using two-for-one coupons because times are tough and such. To be honest though we always did that, even back in the days when the economy was flying high and bankers were guzzling champagne and coke cocktails from Alan Greenspan's slippers. Oh, wait - I think they're still doing that.

Mary and I did have a discussion on what one would call an early bird dinner here in the Springs where people tend to eat early, like before the sun sets, even in winter. If the normal dining time is 6:00pm then what would one call pre-twilight dining? Mary suggested lunch. I agree with her sentiment but feel that it lacks a certain zing. I prefer tiffin.

We'll see if that takes off.

Also in the Times (and referenced by Gawker) was an article on new-age cavemen or 'paleos' in New York City of all places. I wanted to write something pithy but the concept is so easily mockable that it's kind of like shooting baby manatees in a bathtub. You can do it, and do it easily, but afterwards you'll just feel a little unclean.

Recent Sightings of Things Strange and Foreign

2010-01-08T18:55:19Z

Today's entry concerns something that can, thank god, not be found in the United States. I mean we've invented more than our fair share of things that are an affront to man and nature alike, such as nuclear weapons and the pedal powered wheelchair (just the thing for those lazy-ass paraplegics). And let's not forget the culinary sciences, where American ingenuity overcame obstacles like good taste and health, to bring us the deep fried Twinkie and the KFC Heart-Attack-In-A-Bowl.

But, on our recent trip to London we came across a product that while obviously developed by an American corporation, was not marketed here in the States. And we think it's because the corporation in question, McDonalds, which has never been one to let moral, ethical, or taste issues stand in the way of increasing corporate profits, actually thought that Americans would find the item in question too fancy-pants. The product to which we refer is the After Eight McFlurry.

For those who are not up on their chocolaty confections (and I am only because Mary is one of the world's most unsung experts in the field), After Eight is a small rectangular sweet with a layer of soft mint fondant between two thin layers of dark chocolate. Interestingly enough, the company that makes these is based in England but is now owned by Nestle, obviously as part of the sinister Swiss plan to dominate the world's candy sector and force us all one day to sing the Swiss national anthem and eat cheese with holes in it. Damnned Swiss. As the name implies, After Eight is or was intended as an after dinner mint, though here in Colorado it would be more accurate to call it After Six since that's when most people have finished dining out. In any case, and the swipe at Coloradan dining habits disposed of, After Eight mints are the type of thing one might find at the type of establishment that is striving to rise above the common ruck of Chili's and Outback Steakhouses. A little after dinner mint on the tray with the check makes the pain of overpaying for pedestrian food go away, because it's free and well, we Americans are just absolute suckers for free stuff.

Anyhow, returning back to London and strange ice cream based treats we found the whole concept of the After Eight McFlurry something only the Brits could love. And not just because it's fancier than what the average American McDonalds customer would prefer. From comments I've followed here and there the quasi ice cream sundae slash milk shake is tooth jarringly sweet, and minty. British sensibilities seem to tolerate much higher levels of sugar in their confections than most Americans can handle. I feel though on the plus side they do expect a much higher quality than the American - just taste a Cadbury bar and then sample a Milky Way and you'll see what I mean.

I have little enough tolerance for candy in my ice cream as it is - after a brief flirtation with Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar crunch some years ago, I went back to eating ice cream as it was meant to be - with a single flavor and no added ingredients. Understandably then, we avoided sampling the After Eight McFlurry and not least because it would have forced us to actually enter a McDonalds which we're loathe to do in this country much less some place overseas. So you'll just have to take our word for it that the confection exists as we have no intention of ever sampling one.

Cans, or Tins

2010-01-07T20:42:51Z

Mary came across an article in the New York Times, or The London Times, or some type of old-school-soon-to-be-defunct media outlet (according to all the pundits that have been mostly wrong about pretty much everything else they've predicted, but we should listen to them this time, well, because). The article was about the best foods for your health. Along with the usual suspects like Swiss chard and roots that can double as building materials, they included sardines because they have lots of healthy Omega3 fats which are the good kind of fats unlike the good tasting fats like butter, and they also don't have nearly as much mercury as the fishies that eat other fishies contain. Though, someone did subsequently note in the comments that sardines do seem to hoover up PCB's quite happily, so that's probably a wash.

In any case, a mention of the lowly sardine served as a reminder that I had several tins sitting in the pantry, liberally coated in dust. And why doesn't anyone say tins in this country? It sounds so much better than 'can'. When I hear 'can' I think of something that can be kicked down a hill or alternatively a body part that can be kicked, down a hill if need be. When I hear 'tin', I envision someone's great aunt Sandra offering me some tea and would I please get down the tin of biscuits? Much better than kicking animate or inanimate objects as far as I'm concerned.

In any case since we were recently in London I'm now referring to all my canned goods as tins, as well as mentioning, just in passing that I'm going to pop around the corner to the pub for a quick pint, which I'm relatively sure is raising suspicion in the Waring household as we don't have a pub around the corner, or even in the same county, that's available for poppage. Back again to the pantry and dusty tinned goods, I find I have not only sardines but some kippered herring. Which leads me astray yet again as I ponder - what is kippering - is it a verb? Via Wiki, no, apparently not. Kippers are whole herrings that have been split, gutted and smoked. Much like my masculinity.

Looking at my tins of herring and sardines I'm struck with the fact that old cans with the little wind-up key are now long gone. I miss those things. If you didn't get the key lined up just right when you started peeling the tin's cover off it would start sliding to one side or the other and then the lid would be impossible to fully remove. Back then they'd just scored the lid lightly - those babies were built. I know when I was growing up, it seemed like there were innumerable references to sardine cans stopping a 20mm round from a machine cannon or a bayonet trust being stopped by the fortuitous presence of a tin of salmon in our hero's breast pocket. Alas, no more. Today's tins are actually made from thin gauge aluminum and the key is long gone. Now they have pull tabs. It's a bit disappointing. The tins themselves are so wimpy that I can't imagine they'd stop an enraged heiress with a hatpin, much less a crossbow bolt. Which is another thing you don't really see much of anymore - hatpins that is, not enraged heiresses, you see those all the time now.

Anyhow, I think I'll be off to have a nice sardine sandwich with some mustard and raw onion. Just the thing to insure an uninterrupted afternoon of online gaming. Toodles!

Airlines Behaving Badly V

2009-10-02T16:20:30Z

Ahh, Ryanair, how I love to bash you. And you make it so easy.

So some time ago, Ryanair starts charging a fee for people who check in online, rather than at the ticket desk at the airport. Seems like a jerk move as the online check-in is more efficient and costs Ryanair virtually nothing. Ahh, but you see we're dealing with an evil super villain here, a mad genius who's every move is planned out months in advance. How can common mortals hope to prevail against such depraved evilness?

Because, you see, Ryanair has now eliminated all airport check-in desks so you don't have a choice but to check-in online. And get charged extra for the privilege. Awesome! I suppose that hijacking a nuclear sub or developing a mind control ray was too much trouble so they settled for this scheme. Well, there is still the plan for installing pay toilets on board the planes, but that nefarious plot hasn't progressed any further at the moment. But I wouldn't rule it out.

Oh, and just because they can, and you're not able to do anything about it, they're raising the return flight bag fees to $48 for the first bag and $112 for the second. I'm sure if you ask they'd be happy to punch you in the face for free though.

Gastrosexuals?

2009-09-08T18:35:20Z

Ah, it's nice when I come across an article that explains what I'm doing with my life. I like labels. They let me know exactly where I fit in and it helps the marketers figure out just what kind of mouthwash I need to attract the female of the species or to avoid social pariahness.

Like gastrosexual. What is it with Brits and appending, or is it prefixing, gastro to everything? First there were gastro-pubs - which is just a fancy dancy way to say a bar that serves food. Now there's gastrosexuals. As far as gastro anything is concerned, anytime I hear it, all I can think about is gastrointestinal distress which I'm pretty sure is the complete opposite thought picture the jargoneers are looking for. And why is everything male, sexual? I didn't accept metrosexuals and I'm sure going to fight like the blazes against being labeled as a gastrosexual.

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The article itself is pretty amusing, even without the gastro stuff. First, there's the statistic that 48% of people say that being able to cook makes a person more attractive to them. So 52% of people either don't like food, or cooking, or spend all their time eating at fast food joints (or are they gastro-joints)? Are there people who find people who can cook less attractive?

Then there's this proposal that men are finding cooking more acceptable because of the rise of the celebrity chefs. Personally I find the majority of the current celebrity chefs uninspiring to say the least. I mean I've watched Jamie Olivier a few times and all I can say is - wow, everything's better if you slosh some more fat on it. Which is pretty much true but isn't helping my waist line. As for Gordon Ramsey, well, I find the concept that screaming obscenities and belittling people a debatable means of enhancing one's attractiveness, but then perhaps I'm strange.

Please, leave us alone. We're not gastro-anyones or anything-sexuals. We're guys who cook.

This Is Why You're Fat

2009-09-07T21:15:34Z

Mary has alerted me to the next most important internet site, after of course Mousesavers.com, and not forgetting the Chowhound boards. The new site is chock full of content that invokes responses like, Oh My God, and Are You Freaking Kidding Me, and That Is Most Definitely Wrong In SO Many Ways, I Can't Even Begin To Count!

This website is, of course, ThisIsWhyYourFat.com. Though after reviewing the offerings I think they should change their name to - This Is Why You've Had a Massive Coronary And Are No Longer Among the Living.com. Well, that uses up this month's allotment of capital letters. I'll just start tweeting from this point. Yeah, when hell freezes over and/or Paris Hilton enters a convent.

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So what's the most awful abomination listed so far on the site? There's so many choices and so much horribleness that I find it hard to choose.

Could it be The Coronary Breakfast Club?

Or the The Hurler Burger?

Possibly the Fool's Gold Loaf Sandwich?

The Rubix Cubewich is actually kind of cool in an architectural kind of way. Not that I want to eat it or anything, but the purity of its cubicity is soothing.

And I have to admit, I'd probably give the bacon tempura at least a try if I ever encountered it. But that's it. Everything else on the site is just nightmarish. I think what bothers me the most is that it appears that a significant number of the epicurean delights are from 'restaurants' (and in this case I think you can safely assume I'm using the term loosely).

Still if I need any encouragement to stay on the diet, all I have to do is bring up the browser and check out the latest culinary catastrophe.

The Future Is Now!

2009-09-05T22:13:49Z

According to Jaunted, Sydney, Australia, (Down Under, Bottom of the World, just go south till you hit it, if you see penguins you went too far) has moved ahead of the once mighty United States in the quest to make the Jetsons era a reality.

The Aussies now have robo-restaurants. Well, not completely robotic - there's no robot waiters or robot bus boys, or sadly - robot bartenders, but they do have touch screen menus and ordering. That's pretty much completely awesome.

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I was a little too young for the whole automat craze, if indeed it was a craze, back in the day. I always loved these restaurants in the movies and wanted to get little dishes from small compartments in walls. I've suggested doing our kitchen like an automat but Mary has, somewhat inexplicably, refused to let me proceed with my plans. She seemed less than enthusiastic about my plans to redo the family room in the style of an Egyptian tomb, too. Women....

Anyhoo, this new, twenty first century version of a restaurant is better - since the food isn't sitting in the little compartments all day, for one thing and it will do, at least till we get robot bartenders. You check out the screen, order what you want and when it's ready, a human (couldn't they at least put them in robot suits?) will bring it to you. I see this as something that I wouldn't mind whatsoever for a low or mid range sit-down restaurant like say a Chili's or Mimi's. Definitely wouldn't like it that much for a fine dining restaurant. Though there have been some wait staff in a couple of trendy spots that would have given a computer a run for its money in the impersonal service department.

For that matter, why don't fast-food emporiums have touch screens with a slot to swipe your credit card? Seems more efficient and don't forget the benefits inherent in the I-Don't-Have-To-Deal-With-A-Sullen-Teenage-Counter-Service kind of way.

Ryanair And Canada

2009-09-03T01:28:15Z

While pondering Ryanair, which I try and do at least five times a week, which is amazing for an airline that I have never flown on nor have any intention of flying on, I came across this article on my favoritest airline to dislike.

Seems some people (read analysts), who have probably too much time on their hands what with the current apocalyptic economic forecasts and airlines going bankrupt left and right, are wondering if Canada is ripe for a lost cost carrier like Ryanair. Or even Ryanair itself. Although economics dictate that many of the features that contribute to the success of Ryanair are lacking in Canada (it's really big, it has a small population, and it lacks those out of the way secondary airports that low cost carriers are besotted with), it seems like the biggest stumbling block is possibly the Canadians themselves.

Apparently they feel that Canadians are too nice to fly on an airline that treats them like convicts being exiled to the Fatal Shore. Perhaps, but maybe if you tempted them with donuts? Or better yet - tear out the galley and put in a Tim Horton's. From what I've seen you'd make money hand over fist.

Still, I find something endearing about a country populated with people so nice that they might not fly an airline because it doesn't treat them with courtesy and respect. Viva Canada!

Death Wishes

2009-09-01T17:49:42Z

What is it about men and our apparent ability to forgo logical thought because we think something sounds like it might be fun. This product for instance, raises alarm bells from sixteen states away and yet, and yet, I am still ever so slightly tempted. Because, it's a jetpack, man! I've been promised a jetpack since I was a wee tyke and I'm still waiting (along with flying cars, robot maids, and a meal in a pill, though in retrospect, the latter is not really high on my list anymore but still).

The idea that someone has cobbled a jetpack together in his garage workshop seems a bit chancy I will admit. And the fact that it will require an hour to cool down after a couple of short flights, okay, a bit of a limitation. Still it's only a few thousand and god knows people spend more money than that on sillier ways to kill themselves like ATV's or eating KFC.

Damn, okay, it turns out it's a fake. I guess I'll forgo tempting the fates a while longer. Someday though, like Icarus, I will fly too close to the sun. Or trip over a small yappy dog, do a face plant in front of a speeding ice cream truck, and buy the farm that way. Which seems much more likely.

Chicken Mayhem

2009-08-28T20:56:11Z

Now, I like to think I like my meat, somewhat more than many people, perhaps more than I should. Certainly more than is healthy if I didn't have a wonderful, adoring wife who thinks a 20 ounce Porterhouse is enough to feed a family gathering of twelve and not, as I may have contended in the past, the perfect size for an appetizer. So when KFC announced their latest brain storm, some might have assumed that I'd be leading the parade in celebration and downing a few of these monstrosities on the side.

They would be wrong.

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The new KFC Double Down Chicken Sandwich does however, answer the question, "What Could You Come Up With That Would Be Even More Disgusting Than The KFC Famous Bowl?" Wow, I didn't know till I looked it up for the link that there was more than one type of bowl extant. Now I feel all unclean and need to go and eat a double portion of greens.

You know, I have to doff my hat (and I am wearing one right now, it's my Writing Pith Helmet - everyone should have one, it also comes with a pair of goggles, just because) to the Honchos at KFC. I have this mental image that they are much like the upper echelon at the fictional company, Veridian Dynamics of Better Off Ted (an awesome and underappreciated show, btw). One gets the impression that Veridian and KFC's executives know they're evil but it's all good because they have reserved parking spaces, hefty bonuses, and they don't actually use the products that their respective companies market, so they're likely to live to a ripe old age to enjoy their generous pensions. Unlike their customers.

Really, bacon, cheese, and special sauce between two fried chicken fillets? Why not a pork chop too? No wait, I have it - stuff the chicken fillets with onion rings! I figure there is an upside in all this - enough people eat these things and the chances of surviving to old age and sucking up my Medicare are slim to none Who needs 'death panels' when you can buy these things?

Passengers Gone Wild V

2009-08-26T18:06:28Z

In the latest report on passenger foibles in the sky we have Exhibit A for why flying is a bad time to go off your meds or poor timing for a bender.

On a recent Southwest (Clothing Is Not Optional!) flight a passenger, three hundred pounds of burly man meat decided to expose himself to his female seat mate. She screamed, entirely understandably and he replied by punching her, not quite so understandably unless of course one assumes that this is the result of one too many cocktails in the lounge before boarding. Or again, going off the meds.

At this point our candidate for Southwest Passenger of the Month decided to go all the way and disrobe completely which he then proceeded to reveal to the rest of the airplane by running, or rather more probably, lumbering up and down the aisle. And then he lay down in the aisle, undoubtedly exhausted by all the exertion. Several passengers were eventually able to wrestle the man back into a seat where he was covered by a convenient plastic sheet. Which raises the question as to whether or not Sheets, Plastic, Naked Passengers Coverage, For Use Of, are standard equipment on Southwest flights?

At this point I think it behooves us to honor the brave and not too squeamish passengers who wrestled the man mountain into submission. Sure some people may have to face down a terrorist with a bomb or a gun, but wrestling with three hundred pounds of naked, sweaty perv is really above and beyond. Hats off!

Hi! Missed me?

2009-08-17T21:52:31Z

Sorry, long time gone. Back now. No excuses. Funny meter was depleted and needed some recharging. Well, that's kind of an excuse but a remarkably poor one. I'll do better next time.

So I thought I'd start off with the recent post via Gridskipper and Transracial, which really isn't what I first read it as - Transsexual, not that there's anything wrong with that or anything, it's just you know, I don't spend all my time trolling sites like that, if indeed there are sites like that, which of course I'm sure there must be cause there's something for everyone on the World Wide Web and have you noticed that no one actually uses that term anymore, World Wide Web, instead it's all Internet this or the Net that, or my favorite - the Intratubes, and obviously I'm just in ramble mode and am avoiding something which is...oh, right, BEER!

So anyway, there's a micro trend where the wily Czechs are combining beer and spas. Why? I don't know, but it's got beer in it so it has to be good. Except, there's one little detail that does bother me somewhat. They have beer baths. Now one would think I'd be all in favor of beer baths, because well, it's beer, right? But it's like Czech beer, which is like the best Pilsner in the world and it really seems wrong to bathe in it instead of drinking it, preferably in an ice cold Pilsner glass served to you by a pretty young Czech lass with one of those low cut peasant blouse like they wear in every third rate vampire movie, well those movies that don't have emo vampires that don't bite people and can come out in daylight cause it's cloudy and what's with that stuff, anyway?

I mean if it were Budweiser or something that's nigh undrinkable to start with I wouldn't have so much trouble wrapping my head around the concept, but it's Pilsner! The horror! The sacrilege! The waste!

Still I like the idea of a Beer Wellness Land. It might not be Disneyland for beer drinkers, or maybe it is, but I think I might be able to find true bliss there. And it's surely the only way Mary is ever going to get me to go through the doors of a spa so it's worth a try.