The other day, yesterday to be exact, I was online filling out an application for a bank account, because we like to spread our money around. Sort of like, if you only have a couple of teaspoons of mayo left in the bottom of the jar, you spread it out thinly over the sandwich bread so it looks like you have more mayo than you actually do. Hmmm, mayonnaise, God’s gift to Middle America.

While I was filling out the application, I had to choose an occupation using a helpful pull-down menu with a host of choices. Like, Fisher/Hunter/Trapper. Now there’s an occupational choice you just don’t see much anymore. And while we’re over here, on Quaint Professions for $400, Alex, is there actually anyone still making a living from trapping? Are beaver skin top hats back in fashion and no one told me? Cause I’m pretty sure I would totally rock a beaver skin hat.

Also among the alternatives were several meant for the diplomatic corps, like Ambassador, First Secretary, Second Secretary, and Attache, Military or Other, choices that I’ve seriously never seen before on a drop down menu of any type. Obviously, this financial institution is the Fancy Dan of banks. On the other hand, the menu also contained choices for busboy/dishwasher and laborer. Seems quite egalitarian. I do wonder, if you choose the dishwasher occupational choice on the form does it get routed into the bank equivalent of a dead letter vault where the application will sit for a predetermined time and then an auto-response will be sent out which sadly, but firmly rejects your application.

Much like the fisher/hunter/trapper, I really wanted to go with a multi-slashed occupational designation, though preferably ones with less animal slaughtering. In my case, I think I would choose – Pirate/Ninja/Archaeologist. I mean – it has everything. Pirate, well that’s good for cash flow, not to mention unlimited rum drinks and sea chanties. And who doesn’t like a good rousing sea chanty? Then there’s ninja. You get lots of cool weapons like those throwing stars, and the black outfit, which is both stylish and comfortable. You have that whole stealth thing going for you, so if that party seems like a real snorer, you can sneak out and no one will realize you’re gone. Finally, you have archaeologist, where you get to travel around the world, looting ancient tombs of priceless artifacts, so you can really clean up on the frequent flyer miles. Not to mention everyone has to call you ‘Doctor’. Even your enemies.

Even with a list that is comprehensive enough to include Honorary Consul and Gem Stone Dealer, there was strangely enough, no occupational choice for Business Owner. Nor apparently was engineer thought to be a worthy of a menu item. Trapper, yes, but not an engineer. So in light of the fact that I cannot actually select my honest-to-god-I-really-have-a-job-doing-this-Mom, occupation, Pirate/Ninja/Archaeologist it shall be.

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