What This Country Really Needs

Sometimes, at the end of the day, when the sun is sliding down behind the mountain, and a cool breeze wafts down the canyon, and the week’s work is done, or at least avoided, I’ll enjoy a good cigar out on the deck. Because, I’ve been informed, stinky old cigars have to be smoked outside, even if the temperature has fallen into single digits and a Force Ten gale is howling outdoors. While there I’ll brainstorm a bit, because there’s something in the gentle art of cigar smoking that stimulates inner reflection, and the creation of get-rich-quick schemes. Sure, some people might call my musings wool gathering, or random free association, or progressive pharmacological induced breakdown, but I like to think it’s inspiration knocking.

‘Cigar time’ is when I get some of my best ideas. Like Lunchables, I thought of that, first. Though in my version, instead of awful Oscar Mayer’s tasteless ham, or worse yet, bologna, and American cheese, which really is less a cheese and more of an industrial grade plastic, I envisioned Serrano ham, aged gouda cheese and Jacob’s Best Cream Crackers. Granted, marketing my version to school age children might have been a bit of an uphill battle, but we’ll never know now, alas.

So during the last smoke-wreathed internal skull session (they’re internal because the last time I started reasoning out loud, Mary began preliminary contacts with the type of institutions that have lots and lots of bars on the windows), I pondered the state of food and drink, and what could be done to improve it in America right now. Not too mention, what could be done to improve the state of my Swiss bank accounts. Which I don’t actually have, but I would have, if I’d filed the patent for that Lunchables idea first.

Like, why can’t you get sushi with fries? We can get tacos with fries at Del Taco, so why hasn’t anyone come up with a place that serves sushi with fries? A fast food joint with a moniker like Bento Buzz, or Samurai Tex-Mex or Tokyo A&W. And while we’re at it, why are we using all this fresh raw fish in sushi? I mean, yes, I like it, but a lot of Americans would sooner endure the withering scorn of their Gallic cousins (which they won’t understand anyway, because it’s all in French), then eat a piece of fish that isn’t sectioned into stick shapes, battered, deep fried and slathered in tartar sauce. So how about sushi made with fish sticks? Think of the savings over that hideously expensive fresh stuff, not to mention you could get a lot more fish stick sushi for the price one pays for a single piece of sashimi grade tuna. Quantity, especially at low, low prices, is always popular in this country.

And since I mentioned french fries, also known as pommes frites, why aren’t we eating them in the methode Belgique, with good ol’ American mayo instead of that plain-jane ketchup? Yes, mayonnaise is a French invention, or so they claim, just as pommes frites are a Belgian creation, but here in America, we’re perfectly happy to take anyone else’s conception, and scale it up to industrial quantities, and serve it from a drive-thru window. With extra-large sodas on the side.

Anyway, that was just last week’s brainstorm session. Imagine what I’ll come up with, while puffing away determinedly on my cigar, this week!



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