More Useless Kitchen Gadgets

I was browsing around on Williams Sonoma’s website the other day after ordering a new colander. The old one finally gave up the ghost after only twenty-five years when a marginal spot weld gave way and the whole handle popped off in my hand. I would go on about the shoddy products they make nowadays but it was twenty-five years old after all, so I have to complain about the shoddy products they made back when.

Anyway, while perusing the gadgets, gizmos and geegaws that abound on Williams Sonoma I came across this beauty. Isn’t it wonderful?

Gentlemen, if you’re thinking of buying this egg cooker I must warn you that a gift of this nature is making a statement, and that statement is limited to one of two things. First, you’re saying your wife is a horrible cook. So horrible, that she cannot boil water and cook eggs. Because, as we all know the mark of a real cook is the ability to bring water in a pot, on a stove to a boil, insert eggs and set the kitchen timer. If she can’t do that then there’s little likelihood that she’s going to be able to pull off that Beef Wellington for the in-laws next weekend. Pointing out to your wife or girlfriend that you doubt her ability to do something as simple as making soft boiled eggs is not going to endear you to her. Usually. There exceptions, and if your significant other is one of them, one that would be delighted with an egg cooker, well, I hope you enjoy eating a lot of KFC.

The second statement you could be making is that you’ve run out of things to buy your inamorata for her birthday, holidays, anniversaries or repentance days. Repentance days for the uninitiated, are those days set aside after the husband has done something spectacularly wrong, an epic fail if you will, that needs to be atoned for with gifts, bon-bons, flowers and abject groveling. And I know my abject groveling. I am, if I might be so bold, one of the best grovellers west of the Mississippi. The drawback to buying the egg cooker as a gift in these situations is that there is an excellent chance that you have not heard the constant and endless hints that she (maybe I should capitalize that – She), has been dropping these last six months about that cashmere sweater. You know – the one she tore out of the catalog and taped to the door of the refrigerator? And sent you the links to Nordstrom not once, but four times? Unwrapping the egg timer when she has been expecting that cashmere sweater, well, that’s never going to end well. Take it from me.

There is a third alternative, and that’s that you may actually be sincere and think that this gadget will make your wife’s life easier. It’s unlikely, and the evidence is that men as a whole are not that thoughtful, cause let’s face it – it’s not in our genetic makeup. We hunt because it’s easier than tilling the fields. We engage in macho posturing, because it’s easier than being mature and admitting our mistakes, and we sit around and swill the beer and talk about the sports, well, because we’re men, and that’s what we do. Many men don’t progress much beyond the ‘pierce plastic cover three times and microwave for four and a half minutes, rotating once halfway through’ style of cooking. Men created the microwave and men think that most problems can be solved through the application of sufficiently advanced technology.

So maybe, just maybe, in his forlorn and pitiable way, if your husband is trying to give you an egg cooker as a gift, perhaps he is just trying to be helpful. It’s not the way to bet, but I thought I might do what I can to support my fellow husbands.


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